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Stronger, more meaningful workplace relationships create stronger teams and higher performance. This is one nugget of wisdom that I’ve learned in my 20 years of helping CEOs and non-profit organizations understand relationship-based leadership and communications and teaching them how to retain their talented workforce better and unlock their potential.
In my book Bomb-Proof Constructive Feedback, I guide leaders through leadership principles on a day-to-day basis and provide help on how to carry out difficult conversations successfully.
"By sincerely caring for employees, we can build an authentic relationship with them." TweetIn an episode of the Principal Matters Podcast with William Parker, which I was graciously invited to join, William and I work together to examine and apply the principles of his Bomb-Proof Constructive Feedback in different professional and personal contexts.
Let’s dive back into some of the information that William and I tackled to better understand how these principles can be applied to your time and work and throughout your career.
Become the Leader that Sincerely Cares and Listens
It all starts with cultivating a strong work culture.
Think of an orchard: the leader is the gardener, caring for the garden that bears healthy trees. There are some unhealthy trees, and the gardener’s job is to care for, prune, and nurture them till they bear fruit.
This first step — your being the leader of these healthy conversations — is what I like to call “the soil of sincere care.”
By sincerely caring for employees, we can build an authentic relationship with them.
We, as leaders, have an inherent responsibility to the people under our care. When people have a good relationship at work, especially with their boss, they are more likely to stay and be engaged at the workplace.
When we listen to what our people have to say -- sincerely and earnestly listen to what’s going on with them -- we build a stronger, more authentic relationship with them, leading to a more open and comfortable work environment.
But we can only care for people from the overflow of our hearts.
We need to focus on ourselves first by identifying, acknowledging, and dealing with issues that might cause us to flare up in anger or frustration or what might cause us to turn away and not listen to others.
Understand the Importance of Connection Before Content
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it seems that people have become more confrontational and combative in recent years.
Clients, workers, bosses, and customers alike flare-up in insult first and don’t listen to the other person’s side of the story. It feels like we simply don’t take the time to listen, care for, or value other people.
And while this can feel demoralizing at times, it actually yields a tremendous opportunity to those who take the time to listen, care, and be attentive.
When you’re a supervisor that’s gracious to a team member, or an owner that’s compassionate to a struggling employee, you’re forming the groundwork for stability for them to be corrected in a difficult conversation.
When you’re the boss, you’re in a higher position of power. And being in this position demands a higher need for care and attention.
When we extend more patience, understanding, time, and a willingness to listen to our employees, we can cultivate stronger relationships that create opportunities for greater productivity, customer satisfaction, and a richer company culture.
Why Relationships and History are Vital to Managing Difficult Conversations
Having some history with the other person, I find, is a key point to having a successful difficult conversation.
When I say “a difficult conversation,” I mean those conversations where we as leaders need to firmly guide our people back into alignment with the company’s culture, correct poor behavior, or otherwise help a team member back onto the right track.
These difficult conversations can quickly get people on the defensive, where they either clam up or lash out in anger.
Psychological research into personality found that 40% of people that you are leading are more interested in having and maintaining a good relationship. As a leader, we need to be in tune with people, with how they’re thinking and feeling because they are more interested in maintaining peace over anything else.
In the end, we need to cultivate cultures of care and honor. As Gary Smalley said, “honor one another above yourself.”
It’s hard not to be selfish, but choosing to honor and value people really sets the stage for when they need to have that difficult conversation. The playing ground is more level, so to speak, and both parties are coming at the situation with their heads held high and as equals.
How to Handle Difficult People
Sometimes, personalities clash. That’s just how it is. But it is something to keep in mind for coaching leaders who need to have tough conversations and need to correct people. It’s been said that conflict, whether it is caused by a clash of ego or not, is a doorway to intimacy.
When this conflict is handled well, it provides a greater connection at work, which provides better employee engagement and satisfaction. When this concept is applied in a school setting, students become more content and comfortable and able to learn at ease.
When you need to handle difficult people, the first thing to look at is yourself. Take a look inside yourself. Be careful that you don’t get frustrated with others, and check if it is your personal pet peeve or bias that is coloring your emotions. Acknowledge when you have issues that you over-prioritize.
Sometimes the problem lies with us and with how we handle the situation, and it is in projecting this frustration onto others that escalates the situation into a conflict. Taking a moment to pause and reflect before confronting people will help in cultivating that good work environment we’re aiming for.
In handling difficult people, we also need to be aware of what behaviors we are modeling for others. Are we, as the leader, setting a bad example which is then being emulated by our workers? By taking that first step in looking to see if we are the problem, we can correct others by correcting ourselves.
When there are non-negotiable behaviors being exhibited by members of your team, the main thing that would need to be done is to listen. “Seek first to understand,” as they say. Choose to really listen to them and ask questions that are non-accusatory in nature, and take note of the person’s values and behaviors.
As a leader, we need to hear the whole story and all sides of it at that. It also helps to use a person’s preferred pronouns. I have found that pronoun use really matters: it can put people on the offensive or can show you that they are their ally.
Become the leader that cares and listens.